Broken Soul
by malec4ever18
Summary: Alec basically lost his entire family at a car crash in which he hadn't been in the car when his family pased away. Now, to make up for not being there he cuts himself to feel the pain he should have felt if he had died along with his family. Is there still a piece of hope in him or will he be gone too far and into his own grave with his love ones were he belongs? Malec.
1. Chapter 1

Alec POV

I hate everything.

Especially people being happy all the time.

I'm lying on my bed, making carvings onto the bedpost as i nod my head to the beat of the rock music booming off of my TV. I was suppose to go to school today with my room-mates but I seriously didn't feel like going, at all. So instead I was here, myself in the apartment, in my dark room like usual.

My room-mates were alright people tp hang out with but I prefered to do things on my own ever since my whole family was taken away from me son long ago. I can still remember those images so vividly, like they were burn right into my mind. each time I closed my eyes I could see them painted against my lids. Dead bodies sprawled everywhere in odd angles, blood seeping throught places that shouldn't be, bones oit of place...that feeling of heavy death like too much perfume, like Isabelle used to do...

Brave Isabelle, cocky Jace, smart Max, caring mother, stern father...all gone from me in one quick moment...and I hadn't been there.

The pictures that the cops had tried to hide from me, those will never leave me. That feeling that _I_ should have been there too, that I should have gone with them and we'll be _together_...The ways that car had looked so unrecongnizable...sometimes I wondered if the faces that were in those poctures were actually my family's face becasue surely they had looked more put together-

I stab my pocket knife deeply into the wood of the post. They never did find those who caused the car crash...And that's when I stopped believing...in everything.

I jerked the knife back out, turning it slowly, the light catching at it as I slowly lifted the sleeve of my black t-shirt back, my hand slightly trembling as it always did when I did this. Positioning the knife onto my wrist I pressed pressure aganist the handle and I quickly felt a sharp pain go through me. I did it four more times, each one to mark my family. I did this becasue I felt like I deserved it. If they had felt pain before they had passed away then I want to feel it as well, it's a way for me to feel what they felt, the pain and agony they must have been in...

Without any emotion I just stare down at the blood blossoming out of the cuts, spilling down my wrists where the healed ones are at and onto my bed sheets. I feel myself start to waver and I lie back down on my bed, watching as the black ceiling starts to blur and spin into a bottomless pit where I should be.

/

"Alexander Lightwood, how nice of you to show up to today after a week of not being here," my new teacher says as I take back my schedule and head to the back where a empty seat is at.

Giving me a look she goes back to what she was saying before I interrupted her boring lesson. Yeah, it's true, I hadn't gone for a week and I was planning on skipping this one too but I know my parents would have kicked me out of the house if they still were here with me. So here I was, in a class full of color were I was the only one that stood out. I was wearing my usual esemble:black hoodie, black shirt underneath it, black skinny jeans with my old black converse. The students would look back at me and I'll glare their way making them quickly turn their heads the other way. I could hear some of the girls whisperiing about hot it would be if they went out with a bad boy like me. I wasn't a "bad boy" like they thought but I could care less on what anybody thought.

The only good thing that came out of going to this school was that it only had four classes for the first and second semester for the entire year.

I was leaning against a tree, taking a bite of my apple when a girl comes up to me, dressed similar like me but when a piercing on her eyebrow and her hair with purple highlights. She pulls out a lighter,lighting up her cigarette. She raises the pierced anybrow at me. "You don't mind, right?"

"Nah, it's cool with me." I say, throwing the core of my apple to the grass. I take out my phone and see that I still have ten more minutes before lunch is over. Sighing, I put in back in my pocket and glance at the girl next to me. Catching my gaze she says,"Mind if I invite some other people over?"

I shrug." Go ahead."

She jerks her head to the side and I see two other dark figures comes near. Closing the distance I could see that they were pale like me, one with dark brown hair, the other like mine. The one with the dark brown hair has tattoos trailing down one of his arms.

"Hey," they both says, taking out cigarette's of their own and having the girl light them up. "Want one?" brunette head asks.

I shake my head.

The girl let's her's drop out of her fingers and steps it out. "By the way I'm Willow and these two are Dante and Hades."

"Alec." I say.

"Yeah, we know. We heard about you from the other kids around here. Another emo kid? People here like to talk." Brunette, who is Dante says.

"What did you think of Ms. Lights?" asks Hades.

"A bitch." I reply with purse lips.

The trio shares smirks befire Hades turns back to me. "Yeah, she deosn't like people like us. Trouble souls full of darkness, I heard her say that one time too."

"She can think all she want's, I could give a fuck." I say, kicking peddles out of my way.

"We thought you would share our opinion of her," Willow rolls her eyes as the bell rings, letting us know lunch is over. "What class do you have next?"

"Biology."

Willow grins. "Great. You can walk with us."

/

Entering the classroom we walk by the teacher who'll be teaching this class as she handles to girls who by the looks of it seem right to stangle one another. Willow takes a seat all the way in the back, patting the space next to her at me. I take a seat beside her as Hades and Dante take seats in front of us. More students trickle in as the bells rings.

Giving a glare to the two girls who glare back she centers herself in front of her desk. "I see some of you started to get comfortable in your seats - big mistake. So get up and move to the sides becasue I'll be assigning you seating arrangments."

The class groans as we start to get up just to be arrested in our movements as someone comes inside the room. A very blinding person as I blink back to maje sure what I'm seeing is real. It is.

This new person is covered in bright ass colors, their clothes hanging onto them like a second skin, his hair sharply spiked with colorful tips and glitter over his face. While processing all of this all I can think of is _Who the hell would wear something like that to school? _

The rest of the student's still don't seem to know what to make of this so it's silent for another moment before a voice speaks next to me. Willow. "_What the hell happened to you?"_

At that the class move out of their still motions and flance back at Willow. Ugh, attention. Nevertheless I stand beside her as she awaits the newcomer's answer.

He moves his grassy eyes towards Willow with a faint smirk plauing over his lips. "Why the latest trends to hit the stores, my dear. Haven't you heard of them? That would only be your explanation for going to school like that." His voice holds a bit of distaste as his eyes move up and down on her black clothes.

Willow glares. "Unlike you my tastes lie elsewhere, not a fucking bag of skittles like you."

"Ooh, someone's getting offended. Either you put too much blush or your face is getting a awful shade of red."

She makes a move towards him and I seize her wrist. Hades narrows his eyes at the student. "People say we're bad but you? You're kind is worse. So either walk your gay ass out of here or show some repect fag."

If the guy's offended he doesn't show it. " I'll show respect when you start it, asshole."

Dante starts but is restraint by Hades. The teacher glares at all of us. "That's enough, one more word out of any of us and you fet a oneway pass to detention." She then starts to seperate us into different groups of partners, Willow, Dante and Hades sent to the front with their partners.

I'm not really aware of what's going on for a while, my mind replaying what Hades had said. _People say we're bad but you? You're kind is worse. So either walk your gay ass out of here or show some repect fag. _I didn't outright hate the guy but it must be hard for the gays and bisexuals to put themselves out there. But if they had kept it to themselves maybe they wouldn't have to hear people say things like that.

" Lightwood you'll be paired up with Bane in the back." I jerk my head up. I sit down to were I was sitting before as I watch with wide eyes as glitter boy sits gracefully next to me. From the corner of my eye I see Willow and the rest if them give me pityful glances. Of course the whole sterotype would play a role, "emo" kid sitting next to a gay guy.

Once everbody is seated with their new partners she finally begins her lesson. I don't bother to take notes, just pull out my black notebook and scribblie nonsense into it. It feels like I've been in that class forever the notebooks is pulled out of my hands. Looking to my side I see glitter boy writing something into it before sliding it back to me. It read: _Your girlfriend has serious issues._

Before I can write back the bell rings and Willow comes by my table, blowing a piece of green bubblegum. "Hanging out with us now?"

Not knowing what to do I say, "Yeah, cool." I gather up my things, following her out with the rest of her gang, not once looking back at glitter boy.

.

Entering the apartment of Hades it's almost like where I live at. He lives near the "emo" stores that I usually get my clothes and things. Closing the door behind her, Willow quickly goes to the living room, on the couch, pulling her sleeve up as she takes out her black and purple sharp pocket knife, brining it up to her wrist and creating an incision. She leans her head back in blissful pleasure. "Shit, I needed that."

Just watching the blood spill out of her cut makes my fingers twitch, my front pocket feeling like a hot fire where my knife is at. I don't want to do it here though so I forcibly turn my gaze to Hades and Dante who are holding beers in their hands. Dante, catching my eyes hold's up a beer and I walk over to him, taking it from with. "Thanks."

"So, got any tattoos?" asks Hades, taking along sip.

I give him a rueful smile. "Can't have tattoos if I always cut my body."

He gives a pleased nod. "Can't deny that. Any serious cuts that needed stitching?"

I lift up my palm where a long jagged scar runs across it. I have more but I'm not showing it to them. "Got mad and forget I was holding it." I say.

"You're new to the school?" that's from Hades.

"Yeah, moved here a few weeks ago. I'm guessing you've been here forever?"

"Yeah," says Willow, looking out way with hazy brown eyes." This is our hellhole for four year now; we've known each other for so long now."

I catch sight of her wrist were there is more cuts designing her wrist, blood making it unrecognizable to see the cuts she made. Once again my fingers twitch around my drink.

"But, you want to hang out with us, right?"

I shrug. "I guess."

"Then you need to be wearing these." Hades throws me something black. Opening my hands I see that they're black fingerless gloves. I have one at home but I don't say it has I slide them onto my hands, flexing my fingers. Hades smiles. "They look great."

/

I'm pretty out of it right now, Hades and Dante been giving my beer after beer to drink and I made no stop to keep drinking. This was another way to numb myself, for me to feel nothing just like my family was starting to lose feeling in their body when they were dying.

I was slightly aware of myself being lifted up and my back landing on something soft as my head hit what I think was a pillow. I moaned, turning my head to the side. My sleeves were being pushed down because I could feel cold air hit the cuts I made yesterday. Wrist seized in a gently grip I feel the coolness of something before it's sliced into my skin, burning the coolness away…I moan in pain and pleasure, wanting more of it. There's two more burnings before my hearing starts to fade. All I manage to hear is, "_Welcome to the group, Alec_."

/

I'm woken up by my shoulders being shaken. I blink my groggy eyes until I get an image of shining brown eyes. Willow. "Wake up; we got shitty school to go to."

"Ugh," Is the only thing I could manage before stuffing my head under the pillow.

"Here, put this on," Hades says, entering the room a few moments later and throwing dark clothing into my lap. Scratching the back of my messy hair I use my other hand to pick at the black t-shirt and ripped skinny jeans. The shirt's the long sleeve so noticing my frowning he goes out of the room, returning with black cuffs with daggers hanging around it. "These should cover the cuts."

I lift my arm up, my fingertips skimming over the old and freshly made cuts. At those I frown at and I jump when he taps hard on the wall. "Hurry, we're going to be late."

I hastily take the old ones off, replacing them with the new clothing. I fix the bed, and is about to go find them when I see my reflection cast on the long mirror length behind the door.

I see the paleness of my skin, the blueness of my eyes, the fainted but there scars decorating my arms…I could also see the new clothing fitting my figure, the cuffs hiding the most of my…injuries. Cocking my head I could see a new person in me, a more rebellion and edgy one fighting to come out. If I look closer I could see my eyes have a bit of hardness forming in their deeper depths, hiding the lost feeling I always feel… I hear my named shouted and I quickly look away from my reflection and head to my new gang.

In first period when we walk in Ms. Lights looked like she was seeing a nightmare as she pinched the edge of he nose. Willow laughed, walking past her to our seats. We sat like we did before we had our seats changed in biology, causing the teacher to scowl. "Well, look at the people who finally decided to show up.:"

"I know, I'm surprise too, took a lot of my useful energy to go to a shithole of a class like this," responded Dante.

"Be careful what you say, Dante." I hear the warning in her tone as her looks way from us. Under his breath he mutters, "Bitch."

When her lesson starts I immediately tune out. I glance to my left to see Willow's head down, asleep. Sighing silently in relief I look around me, seeing that no one is remotely paying attention to me I pull down the leather cuff, revealing the freshly cuts. There's dried blood around the edges as I gently touch them, wincing when I add more pressure.

I stare down at them dumbfounded. Did I cut myself when I was drinking? It had happen before…though this time it's missing two more marks. Looking out the corners of my eyes I quietly pull out my black pocket knife and place it above the cuts I already have. I sallow in my gasp at how the pain fills up my wrist, the stinging of it as I make another. Putting the knife back I stare emotionless at the new marks on my pale skin. Watching as my blood slowly pools onto the surface of my wrist before trickling down. That brings me back and I hastily wipe my fingers, only to spread it all over my arm. I quickly look around, trying not to panic when I felt a tap on my arm. Willow. She's holding out a black cloth with a knowing look. I give her a quick smile, taking the cloth and cleaning the wounds I made…

/

Its lunch again as I'm waiting for Willow and the group. They told me to wait in the auditorium though I don't know why but as usually I don't care enough _to_ know. I start to move towards the dark hallways – they don't have the lights on in here- when my wrist is suddenly – and painfully – seized. I have my hand raised when I hear the sound of _his _voice. My arm limps to my side as I quickly pull out of the grip he has on my wounded arm. I'm breathing rapidly because at how he griped the cuts they're most definitely bleeding again…and I don't have a jacket. I place the palm of my unwounded arm to my now bleeding wrist, trying to cover as much as possible. I raise my eyes to him. "What do you want?"

In the dark lobby I can see that he has green eyes – I didn't notice that yesterday- but strangely they seem to almost glow in the darkness as he answers my question. "Nothing, just saw you here…and here I am."

"So…?"

"To talk, what else?"

"To me?" my tone is full of disbelief and bitterness.

He shrugs. "You got the eyes and the hair…so now you're stuck with me."

"What do…? _Oh_…" I feel my face flush. _Flush, really_?" Sorry but I don't go that way." I retort, masking my discomfort.

Adding more to my discomfort he comes closer to me than I prefer. I take a step back just to bump into the wall of the smirks at me as if he's enjoying bothering me. Bastard. "Really, are you sure?"

"Positive, now get out of my way." I try to walk pass him just for him to pull my back against the wall. I give him a good glare that doesn't seem to affect him in any way.

"But I really want to talk to you." he pouts. _Pouts!_

"Bad luck for you then because I don't want to talk to you."

"Liar."

"What? _No_ –"

"Yup, so why don't you tell magnificent Magnus what's –"

"Magnus? Is that your name?" that's something I've never heard before in my life. He's opening his mouth to respond to my question when we both hear voices, voices calling out m name." Alec, where the hell are you?" Is she drunk? She really sounds like it.

More voices. "Hey, Alec, better come out or – _ow_! Ugh, that hurt." Dante. "Dammit Hades, can't you see where your going?"

A sarcastic retort. "Oh, why don't I find the lights then and switch them on for you? Will that make you feel better?"

I instantly duck away from Magnus's arm that's trying to hold me against the wall and head towards them. At least with them I know where my place is at, and it's certainly not with him.


	2. Drunk

**As promised here is the second chapter! Thanks to all who have been follow/fav/reveiws! Also, characters are mostly from Cassandra Clare! Enjoy!**

It may not have been a good idea to drink because I'm feeling very off balance now with just a string of clarity that I'm hanging onto. The trio beside be is swaying to their sides making walking seem like a difficult challenge. I push the door open to the last period of the day, almost tripping on my two feet as I try to remember where I sat again. I'm aware of the rest of the student's filing into their assigned seats while I'm standing like and idiot. Suddenly I'm being pulled to the black of the class and being seated.

I look around me. _How did I get here?_

I hear chuckling near me and I look to see a familiar face. My brows frown. "Didn't I say I didn't want to talk to you?"

"Well, darling, in this class you do."

"I do?" I'm confused by this. "Why?"

"Because it's part of why we're here."

"Ah, shit." Is all I have time to say before I can definitely make the voice of the teacher and somewhere in my intact mind is telling me that this might not end well.

I don't know how much time as past since I sat in this seat but I know my ass is starting to get numb so I start to stand up just to be pulled back down. I wince at the pain spreading around my wrist. I pull away quickly, looking at what was restraining me. _Him_. "What?"

He looks at me with amusement. "Where does your drunken ass think its going?"

I cock my head at that. _Where am I going?_ "I don't know." I'm mystified by this now.

"Well, if you don't know why don't you sit down and think about it?"

"Good idea." I sit back in my seat as I think of why I should stand up and go somewhere. Nothing coming to mind I look over at what he's doing and a short laugh comes out of my mouth. Pointing I say," What the hell is _that_?"

Patiently he says," our assignment."

"That's horrible."

"Can _you_ draw?"

I snort. "No, but I know it'll be better than what your drawing."

"Then you draw something." He says and I wobble to my feet and head to the back board, grabbing a marker. I ignore his hissing at me to get back in my seat. I'll show him who can draw.

I have the marker on the board when I hear an annoying voice. "What do you think your doing, Mr. Lightwood?"

I stumble, turning to that voice. Somewhere in my mind is reminding me that it's a bad situation right now." What?" I say

"I said what are you doing?"

"Drawing." I drawl, gesturing with my marker at the board.

"Well, don't and get back in your seat." I don't really like the tone of her voice; it doesn't fit with my blissful atmosphere.

"Nah, you're annoying." The people around me look round eye in my direction and I see glitter boy shaking his head. I look at the tall lady who looks angry now.

"Oh, really? Care to enlighten me why?"

I shrug, leaning against the wall." Boring ass class, fucking to much work, always smells like shit when you walk around, I feel like I'm in hell just being in this –"

"Hey, yeah, Ms., um I had taken him to the dentist and they kinda put too much laughing gas in him. So –"

"And you broght him here?" incredulous all over her face as I see Sparkle boy shrug as if to say, _what else was I suppose to do? _

I look up at her when she calls out my name again. "Magnus take him home, I'm not tolerating this and if you do this again you both get detention, got it?"

Moving my blurring eyes to sunshine as he get's up lazily but gracefully and walks over to me, putting my arm over his neck before walking me out the classroom were down the hall I eventually fall into a lonely pitiless dreams.

/

Magnus POV

Since blues decided to sleep on me, I decided to take him to my apartment since it was obvious he wasn't going to tell me were he lived in his drunken state. It was a stupid thing to do that anyway. There are many places to get drunk at, but I got the feeling his emo "friends" put him up for it. So that is how I ended resting my head against the bed board, him next to me as he curled into himself. It's been a couple hours now and he hasn't woken up yet though I think he had more of the drinks than the rest of them because they seemed to have some control of themselves, more so than Alec did.

Sighing, I turn back to see his sleeping face, my eyes traveling down to his body before doing a double take. I uncross my arms from over my chest and reach out to his arms, gently reaching down and pulling one of his cuffs high enough to see freshly made cuts with dried blood spread around.

I skin over the faded scabs that sunk into his pale skin. Some scabs crossing into one another, basically designing his whole arm up to his elbow. From what I could see his other arm was scared as well. I looked down at his face as a wave of sadness washed over me. was the legitimate reasons for these of were they simply to enjoy the pain on he inflected on himself like his companions?

I saw them one, Willow, Hades and Dante in the music room, thinking they were long but I had been watching them from a a=far corner as they pulled out their pocket knifes and knifed Willow on her arms and stomach as she withered on the floor with a pleased smile on her face as she moaned with need. It had been the twisted thing I've ever saw because after that they had sex with her...And I wasn't going to let their influence wash over Alec. They were already messed up beyond hope but Alec? I could see something behind those bleak eyes, something craving for –

"Ugh, shit." I quickly look down to see Alec's finally stirring to wakefulness. So when his blue crystal eyes make it to my face he starts. "Am I dreaming?"

I laugh." Some say it's impossible that somebody like me could be real but babycakes you're not dreaming. What you see is real.

He flops his head back to the bed, moaning. "I think I had to much to drink."

"No doubt about that."

I move back when he suddenly sits upright, causing him to put a hand on his head. "Way to fast." After a moment he looks at me with a glare. Seems like nice chat is over. Scanning the room he says," Why am I here, with _you_?"

"Seems like no good deed is rewarded. I took you here because you starting telling our lovely fourth period teacher what you really thought of her. Who knew you had a way of words in your drunken state."

For a moment I saw a flash of guilt in his eyes before it's gone and replaced with cruel and twisted smirk. "Saying the truth is the most honest thing I could do for her, don't you think?"

"Alec –"

"Don't say my name like that."

"Like what, like I care about –"

"_You_ don't care about me; don't even start with that shit. You fucking don't know me to care for me." I hear coldness in his voice that just fuels my desire to get through to him.

"And what if I want to know you."

He narrows his icy gaze at me. "And what if I don't want you to?"

"Then too bad for you." I say with a smile.

"Whatever, I'm leaving." He swings his legs over the bed, just swaggering a bit but I know there's no way in hell he's going to stay here so I lean back onto the post with a smirk as I watch him make his way to the door of my bedroom. Calling out I say, "See you later, Angel!" to which he responds by slamming the door out his way. I feel a smile creep over my face. _This is going to be fun._

/

Alec POV

It's been about three weeks now and _Magnus_ apparently still doesn't get the fucking message. I guess it didn't matter that much, I ignored him as much as I could, spending my time with the rest of my group.

We were skipping second period, it was gym, so when the teacher wasn't looking we run into the back of the bleachers were the woods lied. Once we were sure we were deep enough we stop and leaned against some trees, catching our breaths. "Not doing that again," Say Willow, straightening up and swiping her bangs away from her eyes. She then pulls out her pocket knife and starts hacking at her tree. The other two guys get their flasks out, taking their long sips.

Turning away from all of them I went in deeper, not knowing were I was going but the need to just be alone. Finding a very secluded spot I slide down the back of the tree, pulling out my pocket knife. I turn it over and over, seeing my reflection of each turn I make. This is one of these times were I just want to be alone with my fucking thoughts.

And when it's those times I start to hear voices of my dead family, whispering around my head as they entered though my ears. I'm trailing my knife lightly on my pale skin, feeling the cold texture of it when the voices start up. _You should be here with us_, says Father. _If you really loved me you would have been with me_, says Mother. _I thought we were bros, Alec, so where were you when I died?_ Jace whispers. _I thought you would be there to protect your baby sister…but you weren't. You lie_. She shouts. _And what about me?_ Max says. _I always thought you were great…but really you're selfish, you never really loved us, love_ me. _if you really missed us you would do the right thing…_

Almost like in a trance I stopped moving the knife and pause it over my bright green and blue veins…just one good push and it will be all over. Max is right. I should be selfless and do the right thing, earn back every one of my family's love back. I start to push the knife in when somewhere in the distance I hear voices calling out my name. Snapping out of it I stand up on my feet and move towards the sounds, pocketing the knife with only one thing in my mind. _Soon, I'll do it soon._

/

I'm walking into fourth period by myself because I still didn't want to be around anybody, much less talk to anyone so they went to Hades place to the do usual and here I am, sitting in the back of English as slowly the class starts to trickle in. I rest my head onto the cool table top, my arms around my head as I try to take slow calm breaths.

Every day I feel like I'm losing more of myself to the point were I get exasperated at everything and want to cut more to get some sort of high emotion. Anything. I just want to feel more because at the rate I'm going five cuts a day isn't going to satisfy me anymore.

The scratching of a chair being pulled next to me let's me know that Manus has arrived. I sigh, lifting my head up, resting my head on the palm of my hand as I rest my elbow on the table. I listen uncaringly at what we're going to do for the day and only is disturbed in my mindless thinking when my chair is suddenly being pulled sideways. I look up in confusion, seeing Magnus giving me an innocent smile as if he wasn't the one who pulled me…closer to him. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Well, if you hadn't been in la la land you would know we're doing a project on one of our vocab words."

"Are we a little old to be doing that sort of thing?" I left that in middle school.

He shrugs. "She says, we do. So let's get started."

"What's our word?"

"Attraction."

"Great," I say, annoyed. From all the words we could have gotten it had to be that one.

"So we need a picture to go along with the word. What's something you're attracted to?"

"Drinking."

He gives me a look. I give him one back. Suddenly his mouth turns somewhat mischievous as he leans closer than I want him to. "You know what I'm attracted to?"

"I change my answer, I'm attracted to distance…so back up." I say when he doesn't move away from me. "Any time now."

Ignoring what I said he says," I'm attracted to danger, and you –"I freeze when I feel his eyes look at with such _intensity _–" just happen to be it."

I glance around the room, seeing if anybody is seeing what is being unfolded back here but everyone doing the assignment, an assignment we should be doing too. I edge away in my seat as far as I can before saying. "I told you before, look for someone else because you're only getting rejection out of me."

He seems amused by this. "We'll just see about that, love because one thing you should know about me is that I never get rejected. I always get what I want, blues."

He being this confident makes my smirk get bigger." Prepare to be disappointed then."

Magnus licks his lips, giving them a shine. "Prepare to eat your words."

Magnus POV

I'm sighing in happiness as I absently stir my spoon in my already melted smoothie at Java Jones. Camille sitting across from me makes a coughing sound that brings me back to her face. "You caught something?"

She laughs. "No, _you_. You're all happy today; it's practically oozing out of you, what's up?"

I give her a wide smile." I finally fo him to talk to me!"

"And how's that different from the other times you talked to him?"

"Because he actually sounded cocky today, not like the other times he just gave me short replies with no emotion behind them. But today it was like… like –"

"There was finally a spark of life to him."

"Yeah, exactly!" I say excitedly.

She cocks her head to the side. "You really like him, don't you? Even if he cuts himself?"

"Yes, there's something about him that attracts me to him and I just can't pull myself away from him. I know he's at a bad place right now and I want to help him."

"Yes, I know you do. Especially people like him."

I frown." What do you mean?"

"I mean that you're attracted to the broken, you have been?"

"No, I have –"

"Oh, yes you have. Like me, for example. I've given up love after so many failed relationships and then you come along, making me feel better. And I liked what we had, us going out, that made me realize things about myself that I didn't know before. Now I'm a whole lot more confident in myself and more. And do I have to tell you about your past relationships? You even dated –"

"Alright, alright, I got it. But this time it's different."

"Care to explain _how_?"

"That, I will keep to myself." Grinning, I take in another spoonful of my smoothie.

"Magnus!" she whines.

I grin.

Alec POV

Willow invited me to a abandon warehouse down a couple streets to where Hades lives. It's around ten at a Sunday night and it's probably not a good idea walking these streets in the dark but I could care less. In the distance I can see dark shapes moving about in the shadows. But of course, I'm just another dark soul lost in the darkness. And it doesn't help that _he_ keeps crossing my mind.

Maybe it's because he's so infuriating_, no_, he _is_ the most infuriating person I've –_Jace_. I grit my teeth. He's something. I'll leave it at that. Though that fact that he has an attraction to _me_ is so weird to comprehend. We are two fucking different people that have nothing in common! I'm bleak, he's perky, I like cutting, and he likes painting his nails…_nothing alike. Why am I even thinking about this? _Shaking my head to clear these thoughts I walk faster until I'm finally at the warehouse.

I see people smoking outside the warehouse, a couple making out heavily on top of a car and music booming out the place. I know they have drugs here because that's the only reason why some people out here are acting like idiots.

Entering the crowded area I look around for Willow, taking a few minutes before I spot her. She waves me over. When I'm close to her she says, "Enjoying it so far?"

"Course, better if I got a drink in my hand." Smirking she reaches behind her and hands me a drink which I gulp down in three mouthfuls. "Got another one?" what I really want right now is to lose myself, to have nothing going on my head.

She grins.

/

I think it's been a couple hours now since I got here and I'm just walking around, just trying to walk straight with my second martini in my hand when the front of my shirt is being pulled sideways. I stumble into an open door; it's closing behind me so when it's finally shut with a slam I'm pushed roughly onto it, it's so dark that I can't see at first until I blink a few times to see bright brown eyes until my mouth is attack. I drop my glass as I feel something wet enter my mouth. Hands are going underneath my shirt, touching faded scars along my stomach that tingle at the touch of those cold hands.

The hands on me keep going but my mouth if finally freed as I look at Willow. She's smiling slyly. My eyes travel down to see that she almost naked with just her black bra and underwear. Her creamy pale skin is practically the one thing glowing in this dark room. She lets her finger skim down my stomach before stopping at the top of my jeans. "Why don't you come to bed with me?"

Usually I would blush but my head is quickly leaving my concrete thoughts into a thick fog and it's tiring fighting it back. I let her take my hand as she leads me to the far corner where I see a large bed. By this point I really don't know hat's going on as I look back at her just to have her hand on my chest and push me back, making me fall backwards, sprawling all over the sheets.

I raise my head to see her climbing onto the bed, having her straddling my hips as her hands reach down the hem of my shirt and pulling it up. I duck out of my shirt, Willow tossing it to the side, her fingers then going to the bottom of my jeans. I grip her wrist; she looks up at me in confusion before I pull her towards me, chest to chest as I kiss her. Willow tastes like she had a lot to drink with a bit of rugs I can't say but either way our hands are all over each other and soon enough my pants are off too.

Willow breaks off and whispers hotly in my ear. "Show me what you got, _Lightwood._"


	3. Do you know who your friends really are?

**Third Chapter! Thanks for all who fav/fol and reveiwed! P.S Nobody have Honors Chem, that shit if hard, for me it is. Relationships are hard too. Trust issues these days. Smh. Anyway, most of these fantastic characters belong to C.C. not me sadly.**

Magnus POV

I haven't seen Alec or his 'friends' for the past two days. Each time I see them I just get a shuddering vibe from them. You just take one long at their eyes and you just see a bottomless pit of nothing, no emotion, feeling, nada. Maybe if someone had gotten to them soon enough they could have had a second chance. Walking out the building I stare gloomily at the sky, the clouds darkening as they come closer. _Nice weather for a Wednesday_, I think as I head of to calculus.

Taking a break from calculus I was currently putting more eyeliner and some more gloss on because even if I was only trying to get with Alec I still had to look good none the less. Finishing up the last touches I put away my compact mirror, smiling at myself one more time before exiting the bathroom…just to slam back to the door. _Alec…_with her.

I peek around the corner again to see if what I saw a second ago was still there, it is. Alec is against the wall with his wrists pinned to his sides by willow, which by the looks of it looks to be pushing her tongue into his mouth, practically down his throat. _When was this? _I think incredulous better question: why? I feel bile in my throat just by looking at this scene. Just seeing Alec I can see that he doesn't look really into it. It just looks like kissing with no emotion tie to it. _Friends with benefits, then? _I lean back when she releases him, a cunning look in her eyes before leaving him there and turning a comer, disappearing. After a moment Alec leaves but nor before crossing a hand over his mouth, wiping away the smudge of gloss from his lips.

Stepping forward I look down the hall, stroking the edge if my jaw. _This could be interesting._

/

It's at lunch that I see him again, making his way to the cafeteria without those so call friends of his, making it a perfect opportunity. I quicken my steps to catch up to him, causing him to say –Hey! - As I pull him in the opposite direction. He's trying to pull away from my hold, saying things like "Let go, I'm hungry!, Did you hear me? Where are we going? Magnus!"

I ignore him until we're finally along in the band room, closing the door behind as he pulls always from my grip, backing up a few paces, eyes narrowed. "Mind telling me why the hell I'm here?"

"And just when I thought we had a friendship blossoming between us," I lean against the door with a sly smile on my face.

"Sorry to disappoint. What is it you want?"

"Just wanted to know how life was." I see something flicker over his eyes.

"Dull and boring, like always. Can I leave now?"

I lean away from the door, taking a few steps towards him. He takes them back. I smile cheeringly. "Now, now, what's the rush? Got a best friend with benefits to get to?"

His blue eyes widened in shock before quickly glaring. "How do –"

"You may think making out in the hall is secrecy but it's not, really. Better in the bathroom is what I always say."

"I can care less what you think, I'm leaving." He starts to walk past me when I seize his wrist and pull him against the piano with only a few inches between us. "I'm not done yet." I say.

Alec looks down at my hand around his wrist. "Let go."

"Not until you listen. I know you think they understand you but they don't. That group you call your '_friends_' they're already a lost cause. There's nothing in them to _feel_, they just do things, mutilate themselves –"

He raises his other hand and I think he's going to hit me but he just twists his arm, letting the sleeve fall down as I take in the cuts I already know are there. I do a double take, _do they look deeper? _I look at him with a sharp look. He stares back defiantly.

"You can't tell me I'm not like them if I have these. I'm in everyway like them, broken. Nothing is ever going to 'put me back together' so go save someone who wants to be saved. Because I don't want it."

I look at him with sadden eyes as he stares right back at me, undeterred. I reach with my free hand to the arm that he raised, pulling it down as I pull his other arm down so I'm holding his cold hands in mine. Looking down at our hands I run my thumb over the jagged scar on one of his palms. When I raise my eyes I can see that it's affected him, looking confused as he looks down quickly then up at me.

"You're _not_ like them," I say," in you I can see that you feel deeply, more so than people should or be able to. I can also see how hurt you are" - he flinches at that – "and you try to cover it by doing these cuts but –_I don't think you want this_, I think you want to _stop_ –" he wrenches his hands from mine and pushes me back so hard that I fall to the floor.

"_You don't know anything about me!_ So stop with all the assuming and let me be!" he yells loudly, stunned anger glinting in the depths of his pool orbs before leaving out the door with a slam. I let myself rest my head to the ground, looking at the ceiling with a single thought _that could have gone a little bit better._

/

Knowing that I won't see Alec in this class I cross my arms on the desk and rest my head on it, thinking of way of how I'll talk to him again. Would it be cheesy if I wrote him a song? While wondering about this I hear a chair scratch against the floor. _Would he really_…? I peek sideways…and there he is! Lifting my head all the way up I lay back on my seat, sneaking glances at him.

From what I can see, he looks calm but when he catches my eye I can see a glint of annoyance in those sky blue eyes of his. So…still a _tad_annoyed.

I could work with that.

/

Alec is cooperating.

We're suppose to be reading on this story we're working on, reading with our partners but Alec seems to want to take a nap. I tap a pencil on his hand. He looks sideways. "Yes?"

I give him a look. "You're going to read or not?"

"I don't know you tell me since you know _so_ much about me." sarcasm is thick in his voice.

I close my eyes briefly. "Alec…"

"Stop saying my name like that as if you cared –"

"Dammit, Alec, why can't you –"

"Something wrong boys?" raising my gaze I see Ms. Vez moving her brown eyes between the both of us.

"Actually –"Alec begins.

"Actually," I cut in" we're doing great, never been better." Another look and she goes on…follow by a hit on my arm. I spin my head at Alec. "Really, was that necessary?"

The "duh" expression on his face says yes.

I sigh heavily. "I don't see anything wrong with at least being friends, Alec."

"But I do."

"I don't."

"Do you want be to point them out for you? You're annoyingly chirpy, pry too much, touchy and fuck'in to bright, it's almost blindingly. I, on the other hand, like to cut for fun, like everything black, drinking, fail in everything I do and have a talent for words that mostly go with fuck. See the difference?"

The bell rings and he's out of his seat in a flash, going with them. Willow looks back at me with a slow shake of her head, a smirk on her pale lips. I feel my eyes widened in disbelief. I know she was already far gone but _she was planning on taking Alec with her_. Just like she did with Hades and Dante. With that one look I knew she saw Alec has a challenge and was willing to do anything to destroy whatever was left of him…

I had to get Alec away from her.

Alec POV

Ever since what happened with Magnus I couldn't help but fucking cringe inside when I acted like that to him. Yes, he was trying to help me but it wasn't something I wanted or needed. I just wished he didn't even bother, it was pointless anyway. _Do you really wish him to stop caring for you? _Sometimes I don't really like my thoughts. At all.

Biting the edge of my lips I glance at each of my sides to see Hades smoking and Dante drinking from his flask. Willow said she had something to do and none of us said anything as she left.

_Got a best friend with benefits to get to?_ I hear Magnus's voice say in my mind. I make a face. After we had slept together Willow said she wasn't looking for anything but the usual. Making out and sex with none of the bullshit. Not really caring at the moment I agreed though I wished I hadn't now. Each time we kissed if felt…off. Not the off when you finally kissed the person you've been crushing on for a while and no sparks fly off but the off kind when it was just to weird to do. I didn't _want_ to kiss her and that was kinda stupid because she was very sexy, I felt my cheeks heat up, something they haven't done in a long time.

Willow might be like us but she had a great body, black hair with bangs that had red highlights, wore outfits that were black and red that _barely _concealed her skin, nice brown eyes…and I still didn't feel anything towards her. I felt a nudge on my left side. Hades.

He's smiling. "How hot did Willow look today, huh? That skirt…"

I know what he's referring. Today she had on a _very_ blood red miniskirt with a black bottom down shirt; the buttons unbutton low enough to wonder the mind and her black lace boots. All and all she got yelled at in first period for coming to school like that. The guys in the class didn't mind, even if she was 'emo'. If you got the body…

I look at him with a faint smirk." You're right about that."

"I heard that you got it in with her at the party. Is it true?" asks Dante, wiping his mouth and putting the flask away.

"Uh, yeah, don't really much what happened though…" I really didn't.

"Welcome to the club, dude." Hades says, clapping m on the shoulder." I could bang her everyday and not get tired. Me and her done it more than a hundred times, I can tell you that."

"I lost count." Said Dante, pulling his hair black from his face.

_Whore_, I think. Out loud I said," she just let's you…?"

"Yup, she let's us do whatever we want. Like if we feel like fucking all we got to do is tell her and into the bedroom we go. Didn't she tell you that?"

Yes _that_ I remember because I could have sworn my face was going to melt off. "Course, was just wondering if you guys did."

"I did it with her yesterday but man I wished I could have done it today, that shirt…"Dante's eyes lose themselves into the memory of Willow's…twins.

"Stop it, pervert. Anyway, we're going to the tattoo parlor, a buddy of my, I need another tattoo." Hades looks down at his arm, searching where to put the tattoo. "You want one? He doesn't charge people like us."

I don't have a single tattoo on me and I feel an urge to show them that I can do the same things they can. Besides, how much can getting a tattoo hurt. It pierces the skin right? Same thing I do to myself with cutting. I look back at them. "Yeah, I'll get one."

_/_

This fucking hurts.

If I were in hell it probably would be something else entirely but still _this fucking hurts_. I'm biting the inside of my check, trying to not let the tears fall out as I look down at my wrist. Hades had told me that I should get a rune tattoo because those were the ones that were selling right now. He's gotten almost all of them and just needed a few more. He and Dante went to the other room because apparently Dante is an expert and tattooing. Looking at all the runes I had decided on a rune that might love and hope. I didn't know why I picked that specific rune but it just felt right and I thought it would be fitting to put it over my wrist, well the one that was less scarred with cuts.

After more agonizing moments he was finally finished. I lifted the wrist to eyes level, looking at the delicate design forever on my wrist now. Seeing it made me feel a sense of calmness that was different from the cutting calmness. It made me feel light, like everything was going to be alright…

After gazing at it some more I let the guy bandage it up. I nodded my thanks and walked to the other room were Dante and Hades were at. I could see that Dante was adding some last details before putting the tool away. "What do you think, Alec?"

I looked at Hades pink forearm, were it once was clear now held a tattoo like mine but somehow more sinister looking. It spoke something completely different from mine. I nodded. "Looks badass."

"I thought so to. Now let's have this wrapped up so we can leave. I'm hungry." Dante works on Dante and I check my phone. I see messages from my roommates asking were I've been and scrolling some more I see a number that I don't recognize. I look at it for another second before closing my phone with a snap. "Ready to go?" I ask.

/

I ate lunch with them before heading off to my apartment with the roommates. Upon opening the door I get bombed with pillows. Once they're finish I kick the pillows out of my way, shutting the door behind me before heading to the living room. "Was that supposed to be my welcome back gift? It sucked."

"Bro, we haven't seen you in weeks we thought you moved out without taking your things or saying anything to us. We barely seemed you at school, either." That's from Echo, who's painting her nails black.

"We don't have the same classes, Echo, besides _you_ barely go to school so you wouldn't see me at all." I sit at the end of the couch from her, glancing around the room. "Have you guys been redecorating?" and by that I mean it's a mess but I'm shut my mouth since I haven't been here for a long while.

Draegan gives me a look. "What a nice way f saying this place looks like trash."

"You said it, not me."

I see Dusk coming in from the kitchen. "Anybody knows were I put my phone. I think lost it again." I roll by eyes. Dusk is…Dusk, not that bright but what can you do?

Autumn, Dusks fortunate girlfriend that he has calls from her room, "Remember you set it down at he table because you said you were going to the store down the street and that you didn't want to lose it in the changing room again!"

Dusk slaps his forehead. "Oh, that's right! Thanks babe!" he rushes back to the kitchen.

"Seems this place hasn't changed since I left." I observe, looking at everyone.

"No true," said Echo, leaning over to me, flickering her black sleeve back to reveal a rune tattoo." Got this bad boy a week ago, the most popular tattoos of the century!"

"What does yours mean?" I ask, curious. I forgot the ones I saw at the store already.

"It – wait, how do you know about them?"

Shit. She knows I don't have any tattoos on me but now I do. And I don't want to tell her just yet. "One of my friends got on today, looked pretty cool."

"That shows you should get one. Anyway, yeah, so this one means rebel and dangerous. Isn't this design so badass?"

I grin. Typical Echo. "Yes," I say," it is. So is there any ice cream in the freezer?"

/

The weekend came faster, much to my relief. I had been living with my old roommate since that night I arrived there. I kinds felt bad that I had let them hanging like that so that's why we were going to the Dark festival that happens every Saturday at the east side. All the streets are occupied with small shops selling things people like us will like or use.

I asked if Willow and the rest of them wanted to come but they declined, preferring to do something else. They hadn't shared what that would be.

I was startled when I felt a nudge in my side. "Earth to Alec, what do you think of this cuff?" Autumn says holding a black leather cuff that was designed with, uh, suggestive things.

"You like it?"

"Yes."

"Buy it then." She did.

From the looks of it everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. Autumn with Dusk, Echo and Draegan looking at the things they brought, trading and whatnot. I feel a smile creep onto my face. Just like old times, I think, looking over my new cuff the hides the tattoo I got.

We go to a new shop because I see a shirt that I like. Echo immediately heads to the skirts with a now excited Draegan behind her. Amused I look back at the shirts, riffling through them when I feel a presence right behind me. turning with a ready snarky comment that should dries up in my throat when I see who it is. Magnus.

"_What the hell are you doing here?_" is my first rational response I can think of.

He has a big fat smirk on his face. "Nice to see you to, get anything?"

"_No_, no-no-no-no. We are_ not _going there. How did you find me?"

"You make it sound like I'm stalking you, darling."

"Maybe that's because you are?" I inquire.

"Isn't that just a tad paranoid?" he still got that smirk on his face. Bastard.

"I don't think so. Now, explain." I cross my arms and stare him down but he just finds this more hilarious as he casually leans an arm against the rack.

"Well, I heard your friends sometimes talk about this place and I thought that I would catch you here and here you are."

Shocked to have had seen him here I finally take in his clothes…which are the brightest shit here. "_Why are you were that_." I hiss, looking both ways to see if anybody is watching us. Not yet but they will.

Without thinking I take hold of his hand and pull him to the back, through the thick black curtains, walking farther until we're in an ally. "Embarrassed of my outfit, are you? So self-conscious." He shakes his head ruefully.

I looked at him incredulously." You're in a place were we only wear black and different from the rest of you. Your –"

"_I'm_ different?"

"Are you suggesting that I'm –"

"Different, yes, just like me. Everybody isn't the sane person they pretend to be."

"Trust me, I'm not sane," I blurt out to my horror.

"There you go, let it all out."

"Oh, shut up, the point is you're different in a shit full of color and I'm not. Now, how am I going to get you out of here?" I tug on my hair, looking down the ally with distaste. "If we can get you –"

"I'm not leaving."

I turn back to him with a raised eyebrow. "What?"

He looks back at me with perfect smile. "you heard me, I either stay with you, meet your friends or you come with me."

"And d_o_ what?"

"Hang out, obviously." He puts his hands on his hips, cocking his head, challenging me.

I run through the possibilities quickly. If I let him stay – no, wait- if I'm forced to have him stay, him meeting my friends…that's going to be weird. But if I go with him…I bite my tongue, thinking before finally saying exasperatedly. "Fine, - _where the hell did he go?"_ I look around me quickly, down the ally to see his disappearing figure. "Shit!" I yell, as I start to run after him.

/

I look sideways when I finally arrive at the Dark festival, trying to see the only guy on color craze and that's when I see him talking to Autumn. Groaning inwardly I walk over to them, hoping something, anything would happen like lightening coming down, just something. I open my mouth to say- say, what? It doesn't matter what I would have said because Autumn doesn't seem to mind him talking to her, in fact she's laughing. "What's going on?" I say, looking at her only.

"Talking to your friend, he's funny. You never told me about him, you suck. Trying to keep him to yourself I see." I glance over to Magnus who has a superior look on is face.

"Hey, look, I think your other friends are coming." He says and I feel myself freeze on the spot. _Anytime lightening_, I will the sky.

Dusk, Echo and Draegon are looking at the three of us with curious looks and to my shock none of the seem to be disgusted by Autumn and me talking to Magnus. Dusk cocks his head to the side. "Do I know you?"

Magnus looks at him with a smile. "If you had I would have been very memorable for you to not forget so no, we haven't met. I'm Magnus, by the way."

Draegon gives me a quick glance. "Is he one of the guys you've been hanging out with?"

"Uh, no. I actually don't –"

"He doesn't spend enough time with me, can you believe that?" he asks Autumn with a rueful shake of his spiked up head. _I'm going to kill him._

"NO, and because of that we're all going for ice cream!" _still waiting for that lightening_. Everyone is seems pleased by this as Magnus gets swallowed up by the rest of my friends, who introduce themselves and asking him questions. _What did I do?_ I look up at the sky for an answer but just see the raying sun. Dejected I follow behind their excited chatter, ignoring the superior look Magnus threw my way.

/

"So what do you about dying my hair red?" asks Echo, taking a strand of her dark brown hair between two pale fingers and looking it at questioningly.

Magnus gives her a thoughtful look. "Yeah, you could definitely pull it off; match it with a light blue tube top, short black skirt with a flare of color and heels and you'll have the guys all over you."

To everyone's surprise but Magnus, Echo actually blushes. Draegon has his mouth open like an idiot. "So," I say, interrupting the quite silence," this has been great but I really –"

"Sit your ass back down, you're not going anywhere." Autumn says, pulling me back down in my seat. "Besides, I want to know how someone like _you_ met someone funny like _him_," she points a finger across the table at Magnus.

I really don't want to go there. I'm about to say so when Magnus speaks up." Well, is started when I came late for the last class of the day –"

"Uh, no. we bumped into each other when I was heading to lunch. I said sorry and then left just to have him in my last class. Yeah." The reason I said that fat ass lie was because I somehow felt something tug at me, remembering that day when Willow and them threw crap at Magnus for dressing up like that. I ignored the curious look he gave me, looking down at my spoonful of chocolate cream.

Draegon quirks a eyebrow at both of us before saying," so are you going to help Alec with his wardrobe? I don't think he knows there are other colors beside black."

Everyone laughs and I purse my lips. Again, unlike Willow and the gang, Draegon and my roommates tend to wear other colors beside back, not to bright like Magnus but still another color that's noticeable. While the other group I hang out with wear dull/dark colors. I frown. Noticing these small differences somehow bother me. Mostly where the ones laughing along with Magnus don't seem to care that he's gay…or bi. Disturbed, I keep to myself, just one question going around my head. _Am I hanging out with the wrong people?_


	4. Taking small steps to

**I'm BACK! I"m SO SORRY for the long absence. I want you to all know that i'm NOT giving up on this story. School had really gotten to me. P.S. NEVER take Honors chemistry, unless you're really smart. I'm smart but not to tha level. ANYWAY Thank you for still reviewing while I was gone, Fav/ Foll too! I will now shut up and let you read! None of this is mine - well some, Cassandra Clare owns most chacaters!**

Magnus POV

Alec's been quiet the whole time since the ice cream episode. It's past ten and his friends – which are now, mine too – are leading us to the apartment, were Alec lives with them. They insisted that I stay the night since we were all dog tired of all the rides we went on SummertimeAmusement Park. Alec had barely gone on any of the rides, just waited outside for us. Sometimes I would see a troubled look in his eyes and when I catching his glittering blue eyes he'll hastily look away. I jolt at the sound of Dusk's voice. "Finally, we're here! My legs are dead as tired!"

We all fill up the elevator until we hit the seventh floor. Stepping out we walk down past a few doors, stopping at the fourth door at the end of the floor as Echo pulls something off her key and into the knob, swinging the door open. Alec brushes past me, leaving me looking at his back which disappears around a corner.

"He's so moody these days," Draegon says, rolling his eyes as he sprawls all over the couch.

"I think he's been adducted and brainwashed," Dusk throws in, pulling Autumn down onto his lap on the floor.

Echo just looks at him. "The things you say…I wonder about you sometimes. You want a drink?" that's to me.

"Cherry coke."

She returns, giving me the plastic bottle and she shoves Draegon's legs off so she can sit. Alec still hasn't returned. "Where's Alec at?"

Draegon manages a somewhat shrug. "in his room so he doesn't' infect us with this disease he got going on."

I start to walk away just to be restricted. Looking down I see Autumn as a hold of my wrist. "Give him fifteen minutes. He seriously doesn't like it when we barge in there when he's in this mood of his."

Nodding I take a seat on the recliner, resting me head on the soft material. I close my eyes to think but that's soon out when I feel myself dozing off and into obliviousness…

/

_…walking into a dark room the door slams behind me with a bang. I turn around to find that I can't open it. Especially when there's something wet n the knob. Lifting my hand up to my face I can get whiff of something metallic, irony smell. I feel my eyes widened when I rub I between my fingers. Blood. I hastily start to get it off my rubbing it on the wall but I can see that that's already taken care of._

_Turning around slowly in the room I see blood in all various amounts splattered on the wall, glistening with an ominous menace. Suddenly I hear a laugh that goes to none other but Willow with her two sidekicks at each of her side. "Don't you just love this room? It has characteristic, don't you think?" she let's out another dark laugh, her eyes glinting with something twisted and wrong. _

_"Actually I kind of find it lacking taste." _

_"She cocks her head to the side. "Really? I thought you'll find it fascinating, considering it's the blood of the one you love so dearly."_

_Feeling the sense of panic strongly I look around the room again to see a pale figure at the far comer of this dark room. "Alec…?" I whisper, taking one step towards him when suddenly he lifts his dark head up and I have to stifle in a gasp as I take in the sight of him. _

_Alec's just wearing a pair of black sweatpants as I look at the_ _grotesque_

_sight in front of me. On his pale arms there's a stream of blood tickling down, separating themselves into a lot of veins of blood. Gashes are cut across his wrists, spilling large amounts of bright red color. His chest has crisscross, deep gashes, cuts of all sizes imprinted on his deathly pale skin that now shine with what I hoped was red paint but wasn't. Finally I look up at his face, his blue eyes bloodshot with tears mixed with the ruby color I've come to hate. Looking closely at his eyes I don't see that spark that's usually with him, now I just see the same look…_

_"He's turning just like us. Doesn't he look great?" Willow has a nasty smile on her pale face as if she's enjoying me looking at Alec like this._

_I turn, glaring at her. "What did you do? What did you do!"_

_Smiling, Willow walks over to Alec, a swiss black army knife in her hand that she lets it trail along the side of his neck. "Completing the ritual he has to take before his soul is gone from him. Forever." Dante and Hades join in at the laughter and I don't have time to argue when Willow abruptly, harshly tugs Alec head back with his hair, baring his unmarked neck as Willow swiftly slashes his neck with a clean cut…. the life…blue eyes…gone…_

/

_"Alec!" _I blink rapidly, jerking upright. More tries and I could see how dark the room's gotten. Echo and the rest of them are sprawled on the floor and couch, asleep. One of them must have thrown me a blanket during the night. Rubbing my eyes I pull the blanket off of me, quietly steeping around them to go find the kitchen.

The clock on the stove is showing 2:55. I take a glass out of one of the cupboards, flicking the tap, filling the cup up. Just about to take a sip I hear a loud sound come far down the hall. Leaving the glass on the counter I quietly hurry over to the end of the hall, the noises still happening. I open the door that the noise is coming from just to see Alec slumped against the wall with a half empty bottle of some beer. Seeing me there he slurs," You sort of look like an angel. A sparkly angel. That's new." He laughs, swaying a bit to the side.

My mouth twitches and I kneel down beside him. "Is this what you've been doing all this time?"

He smiles a silly smile, letting one pale arm raise from his lap. "Cutting, it feels nice."

I swallow, trying not to let the dream get to me as I grab a towel and gently clean the blood off. He just looks at me curiously. "Why do you care so much about me?" he suddenly asks and I look up at him in surprise. "After how I treat you time and time again, you're still here. Why?"

"Because I care and I want to understand you better." I reply honestly but he doesn't seem to like my answer since his eyes instantly go suspicious.

"Is that another way to say 'get help'? Nice."

"Alec, you know I don't mean it like that. I really do want to understand, why you do this to yourself, why you're always by yourself –"

"I'm not by myself, I have –"

"No, you hang out with them but then go straight to your room. What, do you feel obligated to do things?"

I see a muscle jump in his jaw, his eyes seeing something that isn't here with us. "Some things are better left unsaid."

Sighing, I pocket the towel, not wanting the rest of his friends to see what he's done. Then I put an arm around his waist, lifting him up to his disappointment as we walk down the hall, belatedly realizing I don't know where his room. "Want to help me?' I say breathlessly.

He's back to smiling again. "Nooo, you gotta guess." And to my shock he giggles the most adorable giggle I've ever heard! I quirk a smile and play along. "Hmm, is it that one?"

"Noooo."

"what about that one?"

"Wrong, wrong, wrong!" he sings.

Three more doors left; eyeing them I see which one could be his. "is it that one?" I point to a door that has carvings into it and he claps his hands happily. "Yeah, you got it!"

laughing I swing the door open, dragging his laughing figure with me, kicking the door shut and putting him to bed. Tucking him in I look down at his open face, that for once I can read what he's feeling. "Can you sleep now?" I whisper, softly pulling some of his black hair behind his ear.

He turns his head to the side, looking up at me sleepily." Maybe…if you tell me story." So I sit there with him, telling him of places that are fill with mystical people that can do whatever they want and be who they want. I know he won't remember this but I will and this just makes me more determine to save him.

Alec POV

Groaning, I shift to my other side, hoping for more sleep to come when I abruptly raise my head and look next to me. Magnus. I scramble back, looking down at myself to see I'm at least in clothes, so that's something. I hastily shirt through my thoughts, thinking of how this could have happened but all I'm getting are blurry images.

I turn my gaze back towards him and without my permission my body leans towards him. I can see that he's still out. Biting my lip I lean over to get a better look at his face. His eye makeup is all smudged but that still wouldn't make him less beautiful – did I really just think that?

I scramble off of the bed, yanking some clothes off the hangers and quickly close the door to the bathroom be hide me. I drop the clothes on the counter of the sink as I look over my reflection. I put a hand to my cheek, feeling the rough scar on my palm but that's not what grabs at my attention. It's my face. I look all flush and too bright eye. I didn't even know my eyes can shine like that. I jerk my face away from the mirror, quickly switching the clothes from yesterday and getting out of the bathroom quickly. I don't want – nor need to see- the small changes in me.

I quickly halt in my steps. Magnus is up and looking at me with a bright smile. Something shrifts in my chest. "Good morning, drunkie." He says, putting an arm at the back of his head as he leans on the bed frame.

I scowl. "Is that how you ended in my bed?"

He shrugs, still smiling, "No thanks needed, had the best sleep ever."

I roll my eyes at him. "You're something else, anybody ever tell you that?"

"Well, it is in my description to be better than everybody else so thank you for the compliment."

"And it starts…" I walk to the basket of used clothes, dumping them in and turn back to him. 'Now what am I going to do with you?"

"Make me breakfast for taking care of you last night would be nice."

I scowl, knowing he's _half_ right so when a jerk of my head, walk of to the kitchen to start making something. A minute later he's taking a seat on the stool, watching me with his green eyes as I look through the cabinets. "Need some help?" I can hear hidden laugher in his tone.

"No, no, I got it." I think.

After more searching I find what is a decent about of pancake batter for at least 3 pieces. That should make him full. As I'm working he asks, "What do you think about wishes?"

I turn to him with confusion. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Haven't you ever wished for something before?"

Yes "No."

"You should try it sometime, it's good." I'm about to make a nasty retort about that when I catch the look on his face. It's all thoughtful, his eyes seeing something beyond the kitchen. I turn back to the pan, flipping the now ready pancakes onto a plate and slid it over the counter to him, a bottle of syrup right behind it. Taking a few bites he says, "You're pretty good, even if you didn't really make it."

I twist my face away from his curious eyes and from the voice that whispers along: _Alec, can you make me pancakes, Jace and Izzy won't and I'm hungry. _

Sensing my change in attitude he finishes eating, and then looks up at me." thanks for the meal."

I shrug, taking the plate and dumping it in the sink. I walk past him to the messy living room, slumping onto the couch. A moment later Magnus comes and sits next to me even tough there's enough space to sit. "Remember, I attracted to space." I say, inching closer to the armrest.

"Alec, can we just have a heart to heart conversation, at least once?"

I shake my head, irritated. "Just when things are going find between us, you have to ruin it. Don't you get –"

"And don't you get that I like you. I'm not trying to be a doctor for you; I just want to know you better. There's a difference." I spin my head his way. He can't be serious, can he? I don't even like him that way. My chest does something again.

"Look, I know what I'm doing so I'll appreciate –"

"You don't belong with them."

"What?" I say.

"You don't belong with willow and them. You have friends here that care for you, truly. Willow, Hades and Dante are just going to bring you to your grave. They don't have anything to live for anymore, you do."

I'm shocked by what he said. Can he see it too? The question pops into my head again. _Am I hanging out with the wrong people? __I don't like how he can see that, __see me__ and I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. "I don't have anything to live for so I guess I do belong with them, don't I?"_

"You have friends and your parents -"

"_I don't have any parents_." I lash out; biting back the rest of the words that want to come out of my mouth. He stares at me with… understanding? What the hell…

He gently takes a hold of my hand, the one with the scar. He gazes at it thoughtfully, not cringing away from the jagged line running across my palm. He skims it with his index finger and I have to stop myself from shivering. Still doing that he catches my eyes – much to by embarrassment. "My parents are dead too." He says calmly.

I look at him in amazement. How can he say that so calmly? Why isn't he like me then? Did they not have a good relationship, because hat's my only explanation for not acting more – more what?

He continues talking." My mother had issues with depression. Her mother- my grandma – died of breast cancer. Then slowly one by one her sisters started to die too until it was just her. She didn't what to feel the pain; she wanted to feel something stronger. So she jumped off the building we were living in and died. I was seven. Within the year my father couldn't take it anymore, not living without her…she was his everything…and for her not to be there….he felt the ache of her absence everyday. He overdosed that night…"

I look at him with new eyes. "But aren't you mad, he had you but that wasn't enough?"

He eyed me thoughtfully." I put myself in their situation and see I would have done the same thing. Loving someone like that…that's real love. Knowing you can't live without them for another day…someday I want to feel that love. Besides, if he didn't love me like he did he wouldn't have told me what he was planning on doing that night. He told me what he was going to do. I cried with him but it was tears of happiness because I saw the way they loved each before all this mess landed on them, we were one happy family. And I still have those memories of us together close to me. Time won't erase that. I know they're both looking down at me, maybe with regret, maybe with happiness _but I wanted them together_. I didn't want to see my dad hurt anymore. I was selfless enough to let him go and to this day I hold no bad feelings." He chuckles. "I sound so old but it's the truth. I _know_ one day we'll be together again." he says this part with strong conviction in his voice and I'm trying to blink back the tears that are rapidly forming in my eyes, biting the inside of my cheek so don't make any noise but I sniffle and he looks up with regret. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean for you –"

I don't know what happened next or why but I sink to the ground, him following in suit, wrapping an arm around me as I let my tears fall, sniffling and basically I'm a big fucking mess but Magnus doesn't seem to care as he rubs circles onto my back. He still holds onto the hand he was holding before and we just sit there as I cry like I haven't cried since the day of my family's deaths…

/

I'm in first period, spinning a pencil between my fingers, just waiting for the bell to ring so I can get the hell out of here. Ms, light is in a good mood because Willow and the duo aren't in class today so basically it's Christmas in here, for her, at least.

Anyway I can't even focus on what she's teaching because my mind keeps going back to a few days ago when I practically cried my fucking ass of in front of Magnus. I'm still embarrassed about that, letting him see the weak side of me. I made him swear he wouldn't tell anybody about it because honestly I didn't need anybody knowing.

But what I couldn't get out of my head was what he did. It's not that same situation as my family but there's something there. The fact that his father told him what he was going to do…and Magnus was okay with it…without the side effects of what I'm going through. I bite my bottom lip harshly, drawing out blood by the taste of it. I feel weak. If Magnus is strong enough to keep on moving on then what does that say about me?

I jump out of my thoughts, hearing the bell ring. Ugh. On to the next one,

/

I'm in the band room, lying onto of the piano with a half eaten apple in my hand, waiting for Magnus. After the tear episode we came to a mutual understanding and for the moment are trying to be friends. We're still butting heads about me hanging with Willow but its one thing at a time. So when we see the trio we bicker until we figure things out.

I roll my head to the side when I hear the door creak open. Magnus, sauntering into the room with a lollipop in his mouth, he hops onto the sleek top next to me, swinging his long legs." how's your day been going?' he asks.

"Boring as shit. Felt like I was dying painfully."

He gives me his usual look, the one that says: _do you really have to say things that way_" look. I shrug. "You?"

"Pretty fun, in drama we got to wear glitter and the new outfits they brought it."

"Well, that explains why you're wearing more glitter than usual." I gesture to his face and hair.

"Can never have enough glitter is what I say." he wiggles his fingers in my direction which are layered with a thin layer of it. I scoot away from it, narrowing my eyes at him." You better not."

"Oh, come one, a little glitter won't hurt you," he moves closer to me and that's when I get of the piano, inching backwards, he says, "I mean it, Magnus, get the hellish stuff away from me."

He quirks a eyebrow, a amused look." Hellish, really?"

"You want me to use something worse? Because I have more colorful –"

"I knew you were hiding your true side!"

"Clothes…no, wait, I meant words! Man, shut up, you're getting me confuse."

"Don't worry love; I'll keep your secret." He laughs, swinging of the piano and walking towards me with his hands in gesture of surrender.

I shake the hair out of my eyes, throwing the core of my apple to the trash. "So, what do you have plan this weekend?" he says behind me.

I lean against the wall, crossing my arms loosely in front of me. "Don't know, why?"

"Because I'm thinking we should do something fun."

"And wasn't this past weekend enough for you? Want to spend every weekend with me now?" I raise my eyebrow at him. It may have sounded rude but the truth. Being blunt as always been in my nature…just sometimes I have to hold it in when it comes to the trio.

He doesn't seem affected by it and it kind of unnerves me. "As a matter of fact, yes, I think I'm having withdrawal. These little meetings isn't cutting it, babe. So…"he does this thing with his eyes, giving me that look that reminds me of Iz –

I look away quickly. "Fine." The bell rings, thankfully ending anymore conversation for now since I still got him for next period.

"Ready to put on a performance?"

I look at him confused before it sinks in, causing a small smile to break across my face. "Fuck, who said anything about acting?"

We're laughing as we exit the band door, and towards Hell.


End file.
